Comfort Food Poisoning

Posted on October 13, 2011 by Lyle Verbilion

home made tomatosThere’s been a lot of food poisoning going on lately. Listeria in the cantelopes and lettuce. Salmonella turkey surprise.

Sometimes I wonder: are they purposely poisoning all the fresh produce so we’ll flock to processed foods for safety?

Recently I spent a weekend vacation squirming on an air mattress in the basement, with a fever and burning stomach and nausea and throbbing head. Was it food poisoning or was it a stomach flu?

Some people say that there are no 24 hour viruses, no stomach flus, none of that. It’s all food poisoning.

In my case, I kept tasting that cinnamon swirl with raisins bagel that I’d scarfed down. Other family members got sick too with similar symptoms. But not all of them seem to have eaten one of those bagels. So instead of a food-borne bacteria, was it an air-borne virus?

In Star Trek they never get food poisoning. It’s the twenty-first century — shouldn’t food poisoning pretty much only exist in third-world nations that don’t have functioning sewer systems? I mean, shouldn’t it be a national embarrassment that we can’t provide safe food to people who PAY? Isn’t it the sort of thing that it can happen once, and then we fix the problem. It should not happen a second time. Not for years and years, maybe decades.

Once again, I’m severely disappointed with you, America. You accept not-good-enough. You used to deserve better than that.

This is all so very depressing.

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One Man Shoe

Posted on October 11, 2011 by Lyle Verbilion

Even the Haybales Have a RugOne man stage shows. Gotta love ’em. Will Rogers was played by James Whitmore. Mark Twain was played by Hal Holbrook. Groucho Marx was Gabe Kaplan’s shtick. And Charles Nelson Reilly played himself in Save it for the Stage: The Life of Reilly.

Watch this on some rainy night.

Charles Nelson Reilly tells his life story in about 90 minutes. If you by the DVD, there’s also a three hour version. Who knew that he had such an interesting life? He was brushed by fame again and again.  Sometimes not in such good ways. And he knew everybody.

If all you knew of him was game shows, you’ve got to see this just to find out who his real character was.

It’s never maudlin, which is what life stories can devolve into if you’re not too careful.
I only wish that he’d dwelt longer on the Jose Chung, X-Files/Millennium years. Or maybe Lidsville.

Nice man. Reminds me of my father.

Afterwards my wife asked, is he still alive? I answered “no” and roared with laughter. It’s an in-joke. You have to see the movie now.

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Strangers in the Night

Posted on September 24, 2011 by Lyle Verbilion

cowabungaBefore Sunrise is not a horror movie.

It’s mainly a character study of two 20-somethings in the ’90’s. They meet on a train, and get off in Vienna. He’s returning to the US on the next morning’s flight. She’s on her way back home to Paris, from her Grandma’s house in Hungary.

It’s mainly in English, but there’s some German and mock-French as well.

It’s just these two people talking as they stroll through the city all night. It’s like My Dinner with Andre, but with strolling instead of dessert. And, while low-key, I found it fascinating.

Richard Linklater is famouse for stream-of-camera narratives. Slacker (notice that there’s no final “s”, it’s not plural), for instance, is a crazy walk through Austin, Texas. This film is similarly a bunch of vignettes or tableaux, but with a pair of permanent characters that flow down the stream with the camera.

I like the style.

I like the movie.

This one guy, whom I started off thinking was kind of stuck up, plays a cow in a play!

Before Sunset is the sequel. I don’t think it’s about vampires either, but we’ll get to that soon enough. First I have to see Waking Life, where the 2 characters make their 2nd appearance ever in a movie, albeit not as prominently I believe. So, we’ll get to that soon enoughly as well.

It’s a quiet movie. Very well put together. It may look simple, but it’s not! You can think about it for quite a while if you want to.

I hope you’ll want to.

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With a Nail and Eye

Posted on September 22, 2011 by Lyle Verbilion

a toastWithnail and I apparently takes place in October 1969.

It’s sort of like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which takes place in 1971. In fact, I can see Johnny Depp playing Withnail, behaving much as he did playing Hunter Thompson. Marwood would be played by Jake Gylenhall in this version.

Both stories touch upon the decay and decadence that became apparent once the 60’s ended. How the American and British dreams had become soul-sucking narcotics, much like the chemicals the protagonists take. Both stories are based on reality, or as close to it as technically possible.

I find Fear and Loathing much more epic. But I don’t see why. They’re very similar stories. If less Homeric, Withnail and I are perhaps more homophobic. Or if not Withnail, at least I is.

Because they’re British, and drunk, it also reminds me of Absolutely Fabulous. But that’s so 1992. They’re supposed to be filming a new Christmastime special soon! Of AbFab. We’ll see. Could be simply mahvelous, dahling.

Dissolution. You say that as if it’s a bad thing. I guess it is sort of precipitous, in its way…

The movie was funded in part by George Harrison, like he did with Time Bandits. One of his songs from the The White Album is in the soundtrack. Ralph Steadman, the guy who did the artwork for Fear and Loathing  as well as other Hunter S. Thompson works, did the movie poster.

This movie is better than going on holiday by mistake.

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I’m Always Racing Stripes

Posted on September 20, 2011 by Lyle Verbilion

police horseRacing Stripes is a truly strange film from 2005.

It’s one of those live action movies where the animals talk as long as no humans are around. The special effects for their lips moving is pretty good. The goat seems eerily real. The mouth seems real, not the ear. Not to say that there’s anything wrong with the ear. It seemed real too.

In Kentucky, a baby zebra grows up thinking it’s a race horse. The animals are the stars of the show. And by implication, their trainers. All the horses and zebra always wear halters. I think maybe they were rigged to help with the talking illusion. So they’d bob their heads and all. But, of course, I don’t know this for a fact.

I recognized many of the animals’ voice actors. Snoop Dogg plays a sleepy hound dog. Dustin Hoffman plays a pony. Whoopi Goldberg is a goat. Fred Thompson plays a bigoted bad horse talking about the Natural Order of Things.

For some reason there’s a mafia pelican. Loud noises make him think he’s being shot at. And he quotes gangster movies out of context. It was kind of embarrassing. Very stereotypical, but that’s supposed to be OK because it’s a pelican named Goose!

And the horseflies rap. Really old rap. Although at one point they start into “Ebony and Ivory”. Which was also kind of embarrassing.

Some of the live action people are famous. Hayden Panettiere is the blond girl. M. Emmett Walsh is the old guy with the beat up car, the role he’s been playing most of his life. Wendie Malick is the evil woman who owns the race track.

It’s a typical underdog story for the whole family. It’s kind of like Dreamer. I doubt that it’s based on a true story. They use the word “butt” a lot. I may be old and cranky, but that’s still a four-letter word for me, despite what SpongeBob says.

During the end credits I finally realized that it was filmed in South Africa. That makes sense: it’s easier to get at zebras there than in Kentucky.

So here’s my problem:

The movie is about a black and white striped animal wanting to race solid colored animals. It’s filmed in Africa. All of which seems a little bit symbolic. There’s an Italian mobster stereotypical character. The rappers swim in horse poop and think that they’re in heaven. Snoop Dogg sleeps for the entire movie.I don’t recall seeing a single live action black person.

I think they mixed their metaphors. Watch it for yourself and decide.

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Aftershave Afterburners

Posted on September 16, 2011 by Lyle Verbilion

burned out fieldWow, I spend a lot of time talking about hygiene, huh?

Like decent aftershave.

Aftershave should smell fresh and exciting, for about 3-1/2 minutes. Then it should go away and leave me alone. I don’t want to smell it any more after that.

The real reason I’m using aftershave is so my face won’t end up all bumpy or blistery with pimples. If I want perfume, I will buy it separately.

I used to use Sea Breeze. It is so menthol-riffic! If you want to know what it’s like to be truly alive, wash your scalp with the stuff. But keep it out of your eyes. But you need a cotton ball to properly apply it. You don’t want to get that stuff all over your hands!

Next I used Noxzema triple clean anti-blemish pads. It has salicylic acid to make your skin exfoliate! And it has that lovely Noczema smell. But sometimes you don’t want to exfoliate your newly-shaven face.

Witch Hazel is almost perfect. The smell is swell. It’s just a little watery. It doesn’t evaporate off your face fast enough. Maybe if there were witch hazel flavored rubbing alcohol…

So now I use Purell Hand Sanitizer w/Aloe. It smells good. It evaporates fast. It’s got Vitamin E! And before you know it, it’s all gone. Off your face. It’s still in the bottle. But the odor fades, and your face just feels like face. And it just smells like face too.

I bet my face has fewer germs than your face. Especially viruses that cause cold and flu too!

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The Soap Stops Here

Posted on September 15, 2011 by Lyle Verbilion

showertimePreviously on Lyle Verbilion’s From What I Can Tell:

Some day I will post a review of brands of bar soap that I have known and loved. For the impatient, Skin Trip Coconut and Dr. Bronner’s Eucalyptus are my faves.

Here’s why I like Skin Trip soap: it smells good.

It smells like coconut. Other soaps smell like coconut. But this one smells like warm coconut.

It sort of smells like suntan lotion from days gone by.

In fact, every time I smell Skin Trip soap, I have a vision. It’s summer. It’s hot. There’s a swimming pool. I feel the rubbery goodness of blue flippers as I squiggle my feet into them. The blue rubber diving mask snaps too tightly into place, pinching my upper lip hard against the front of my maxilla. I taste metal. And I smell warm coconuts and soft rubber.

I love this soap.

And it makes huge amounts of dense lather. The lather is so thick, it actually feels like the rubber from the flippers. If only it were blue.

Dr. Bronners soap, on the other hand, has delicate little ebullient bubbles. It’s like the difference between soda pop bubbles and seltzer bubbles. You’d think that they’d be the same, but they’re not. The seltzer bubbles are smaller and finer and more sparkly in your mouth. Don’t put the Dr. Bronner bubbles in your mouth, though. They’re for external enjoyment only.

The scents of Dr. Bronner’s soaps are also more insipid. Not quite as bold. Yet very tasteful. (Don’t put it in your mouth!!!)

The standard by which all other Bronner soaps are measured is, of course, the Peppermint. And it’s awesome. But somehow it reminds me of those chalky candies that you find in the little bowls at your grandparents house. And I admit to brushing my teeth with it on more than one occasion, so I should know. (Do as I say, not as I do.)

And the Citrus Orange  flavored  scented one is OK, and the Unscented one is pretty much as unscented as you can get. The others are equally deserving.

But of them all, my truly favorite is the Eucalyptus. It’s euphoric. It’s epic. It’s Californian. It’s Eucalpytic!!! Makes me feel like a happy koala bear. In a medicinal way, of course.

I alternate between each bar. I Skin Trip till the bar is all gone, then I Eucalpytilize with Dr. Bronner. I use the bar version of that too because the liquid version wrestles with me spastically  about dosage sizes. What’s best about each of them, however, is that once you dry off, all the smell is gone. All that’s left is cleanliness.

Just remember, don’t ever mix the two of them. You could end up in the hospital! Well, maybe not really. But it would taste that way!

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Man of Paper

Posted on September 13, 2011 by Lyle Verbilion

purple thistleI’m on this Jeff Daniels kick, apparently. Do you realize that he’s been in almost everything?

Paper Man is about this guy who was probably once a paperboy, and got stuck. Even though he’s married and getting older, he’s been an adolescent for the last 30 years. But he’s not obnoxious about it. Unlike some adolescents I know.

He’s having problems writing his new book. And he has an imaginary friend, who’s a superhero.

I love it when movies break someone’s psyche into different pieces so they’re all projected onto the screen separately as different interacting characters. Like when the transporter split William Shatner into Good Kirk and Bad Kirk. Or A Beautiful Mind when it did what it did with whomever it was it did it with. (Having Ryan Reynolds as Jeff Daniels’ alter-ego is brilliant!) Or maybe even like Harvey. There’s got to be better examples than this, but I’m coming up empty.

At one point the movie almost swerves sicko pervo creepy, but somehow completely manages not to go there, while still admitting that it might have. And it’s got some foul language. Oh, and there’s a sex scene, which shows no skin, but which you’re gonna wish you never saw. Which is really one of the few reasons for showing a sex scene any more, if you think about it…

Apparently most reviewers don’t think the movie quite gels together. But for me the acting pulled me right in. There’s no reason to notice anything not working with the rest of it. (Assuming there is any such unworking thing at all.) And it doesn’t feel manipulative or fake.

So I heartily recommend this film. And I’m struck by three things:

  1. I want to see a film where Jeff Daniels and Scott Bakula play brothers.
  2. I can no longer imagine a world without Ryan Reynolds in it.
  3. I never noticed this before, but Lisa Kudrow really looks like my ex. I hope that doesn’t bode ill for Jeff Daniels’ character….
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It’s a gas Gas GAS!

Posted on September 10, 2011 by Lyle Verbilion

FillerupSelf-serve gas stations do not exist in New Jersey and Oregon. Gas stations there actually pay people to pump your gas. I don’t know why.

Across the rest of America, self-serve alone survives.

It used to be every gas station employed folks to pump your gas for you. The march of Walmartian-like low prices now forces us to pump our gas ourselves. Soon restaurants will make us wash our own dishes.

Any more, gas stations almost don’t want you to buy their gas. They don’t make enough profit off it. They want you to come into the store and buy oversweet capuccinos and stuff. So why did they invest in pay-at-the-pump credit card readers if they really want you to enter the store?

Some gas stations don’t want you coming back at all. You can tell by their windshield washing squeegee. There’s three possibilities.

If the squeegee bucket is dry, they don’t want your business at all. Just drive off and find another gas station.

If the squeegee is swimming in plain water, they want your business now. But they don’t want you to come back. So go ahead and fillerup, but don’t ever come back.

While you’re squeegeeing your windshield, if you see soap bubbles, then you know that they want you to come back. They want your windshield to be as clean as possible so you don’t have a wreck. If you have a wreck, you won’t be able to come back. So they’re doing everything in their power to keep you safe and aware of road conditions and hazards and whatnots. It’s like they’re your driving partner.

After you fill up your gas tank, walk across the parking lot. Enter the store. Grab some Doritos and diapers and orange juice, Or maybe some ice tea if they actually brew their own (and they just might, considering that they put soap in their windshield washing water!). Spend your money freely, because you’ve found a true friend.

And you want to make sure that they’re still there for you next time you’re passing through.

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Some Are 11

Posted on September 8, 2011 by Lyle Verbilion

field o flowersMy wife likes to watch the Lifetime Movie Network. It’s not often that I can stomach it. The shows are so formulaic, and they do nothing to hide it. There is one jot of creativity per movie, usually involving the location or initial situation of the characters, and that’s it. “It’s the story of two fish oil mongers on the health food circuit.” Occasionally there’s a secondary character that’s a little bit interesting, but usually they’re just there to move the plot. They are static variables in the formula that are typed and initialized at the beginning of the program and remain unchanging until it ends, if that’s not too Tron for you. But sometimes someone makes a LMN movie that brings just a little bit more to the recipe, and they can be entertaining.

So where is that line between a cold, lifeless, mechanical, by-the-numbers flick, and something with the spark of life? It tends to be outside of the LMN, in my over-valued opinion.

Summer Eleven, which has absolutely nothing to do with LMN (I’m sorry that I even mentioned it), is an awesome, quiet, and charming film. It doesn’t bring anything new to the table. You’ve seen it all before. But it does such a good job that you will be rewarded by watching it.

This could so easily be a melodramatic afterschool special. It takes place one summer, when four girls are 11, about to go into Middle School, and all their families are having troubles.

It works because it is full of these little perfect moments. A little girl squiggles in her chair, and suddenly you know exactly what she’s about. An old man dancing slowly with his wife. That knife-sharp glance from a competitor in the waiting room. Wow.

These kids can really act. Little gestures with their hands, or fleeting expressions on their faces. Every movement is so natural. Where did they find so many great kids? Or how did the director squeeze so much character out of them?
Yeah, it’s fairly predictable. I guarantee that they end up going to school in the last shot. And you already knew that. But all the little details that they bring to this movie makes it a rich experience.

For a little while I could actually imagine that I remembered being 11.

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